present

Relationships: The Importance of Unveiling Your Past

Separated Yin Yang

Your life up until this point; the identity you live with today, is a collection of your experiences, everything you have learned and traits that you may have inherited. Part of being in a relationship is sharing your life with another, therefore it’s important to share your past with your partner.

For one, knowing that you’ve truly bared all is extremely liberating. Knowing that you have nothing to hide makes for an uncomplicated relationship that’s not only built on trust, but built on honesty too.

These two values are crucial, if you desire the components that make up a powerful partnership that carries on throughout the rest of your life.

Furthermore, knowing that there’s nothing left to uncover, allows you to be easily understood.

When I coach couples, I ask very tough questions in order to expose an honesty that someone perhaps lives with, but has not yet shared. I ask difficult questions because it indicates how well a couple communicate and how well people actually understand each other.

When you share your past with your significant other, you’re sharing information that is essential towards keeping your relationship alive. First of all, your partner won’t be spending their lifetime trying to figure you out, that alone can cause complications and insecurities.

Your past reveals your motivations and it reveals your emotional triggers, so just think about how this information can elevate bliss and happiness within your relationship. Teach your partner about the person you are, educate them on your past so that together you can have a mindful future.

The beautiful thing about letting your past out, is that you let it go. If there is a part of you that you haven’t shared with your significant other, then already you’ve begun to diminish core values. And if there are problems at the very core, the effect is felt at the surface (i.e. you’ll find yourself disagreeing and placing significance over smaller, less important issues, more frequently).

Revealing your past also allows you to remain present.

People always argue that if you reveal too much you leave nothing left to uncover, that there’s an excitement to the mystery. I agree, and that’s great at the very beginning of a relationship…a lot of the excitement when starting something new, comes from discovering new things. However, as you begin to understand each other and connect, excitement generates from exploring life as you move your relationship forward. From the mystery of exploring each other’s potential and embarking on parallel journeys towards self-actualization.

You may fear judgment and loss as a result of the information you share, but the whole point of sharing your life with someone, is that you have someone that accepts your identity completely and vice versa.

Society put’s on a lot of pressure and expects you to live up to certain ideologies: to get married at a certain age, start a family, fill a home with memories and beautiful things that elevate their image of perfection and bliss. This motivation is corrosive to your identity and this pressure may force you down avenues you’re not ready for.

A relationship is about the elevation of spirit; to experience nirvana and to engage you in fulfilling your purpose. You won’t get that until you give yourself completely. All the other things that you progress into (i.e. the home, the family etc.) merely become extensions of a growing relationship, not the definition of one.

Lastly and most importantly, sharing your past allows you to communicate confidently. It lessens the impact of misinterpretation and allows you to remain honest and maintain trust.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Decoding Destiny

Destiny is a tricky concept to grasp.

Some suggest that destiny is a predetermined path that our lives will follow, that we have no control over our destiny, and there’s no escaping what we’re destined for.

On the other hand, I've heard that destiny is completely ours to determine. Suggesting that we are the creators of our own destiny, and that we control the outcome of our own lives by the choices we make today.

I've been trying to wrap my head around the concept of destiny for some time now, and trying to align it with my belief that every person has the potential for greatness. I feel that if there is such a thing as destiny, then there must be more than one predetermined outcome if we all have the opportunity within us to shape a great one.

The outcome of our lives is on us and we are responsible for ensuring we reach a positive inevitable, so I reckon that destiny is on some sort of spectrum, or scale. On one side of this spectrum we’re destined for greatness and on the other, a destiny of insignificance, and where we land on destiny’s scale depends on how we live our lives today.

For example, if I spend every day and every present moment possible building experience and skill in the things I'm passionate about, then I can pretty much gauge that I’m shaping my destiny toward an inevitable greatness. However, if I’m complacent, giving into procrastination, idly living, and not even attempting to make something of my life, then destiny will naturally sway closer towards an inevitable insignificance. 

Although I think destiny offers several predetermined outcomes on a scale between insignificance and greatness, our aim should obviously be to achieve a high level of greatness. The choices we make today will determine how close we'll get to achieving it, every good decision we make will sway destiny's pointer towards greatness, keeping in mind that every bad decision sways the pointer towards insignificance.

Also, don’t forget that greatness is ours to determine, and what I deem to be great for me and my life, may seem insignificant to another. So long as we remain true to our identities and stand by what we want from life, we can guide our own future.

Keeping this figurative scale in the forefront of my mind has allowed me to feel in control of my life, and it keeps me motivated to work on my goals and forces me to mindfully make decisions. It's like I’m making my own pact with destiny.

So, to which destiny are you catering your life for? Are you navigating your life towards ultimate greatness, or are you moving your life towards something insignificant? I suppose that's for you to decide

Stay awake with me.

Staying awake

The beauty of life, is that we have the opportunity to live it. So long as we maintain awareness within present moments, life can be experienced fully.

We can spend hours delving into non-existent pockets of time that satisfy our fears and suppress our truest desires. But if we do allow our minds to wander throughout time, we run the risk of losing touch with ourselves and end up losing touch with present moments we want to live.

I’d notice that my thoughts would often turn negative and I would feel as if my life would lose its value, whenever I allowed my present to be affected by the insecurities of my past and/or any uncertainties of my future. And in these moments, I’d be overcome by an overwhelming desire to escape my present completely, resulting in avoidance and halting any progression towards the life I wanted to be living.

I feel now, with my priorities in complete order and my consciousness focused on being very present and aware, I've been able to maintain more control over my own mindset. Every time I feel my mind wanders off in time, I wake up and snap back into productivity. I do what I have to do to satisfy the actual moment, instead of feeding any negative perception.

If for whatever reason I’m not happy or am feeling as if life is running away from me, I take it as a sign that I need to wake up. I've become increasingly mindful of how I had let non-existent moments in time affect my present life:

  • The lack of comradery in my past would cause me to hold onto unhealthy friendships in my present. By allowing my mind to drift off into the past, I continued to fail in my present. I’ve learnt that there is no moving forward if I’m consistently looking back, I cannot allow my past experiences cause me to drift into assumptions and notions that rationalize negative behavior today. I have to honor the present and take charge of the very moment I’m living.
  • On the other hand, the future has had its funny way of messing with my present too. I was recently offered an opportunity that connected really well to my goals, I hesitated before accepting this opportunity because I let my mind wander into the uncertainty of the future, and I was about to let a significant opportunity slip away from me because of a presumption that things wouldn't work out. To me that sounds just as ridiculous as living in the past, I desire a bright future yet here I am questioning the very opportunities that may give it to me. Although I have a clear vision of how I want my future to turn out, I cannot, and must not, allow this future affect my self awareness. My present choices determine the outcome of my future, so it makes sense not to dwell too much on thinking forward, but rather spend present efforts moving forward.

To maintain control over my mindset, I ask myself if this is what I truly want; "Am I completely fulfilled in this moment?" Or "Am I letting the burden of time affect me from experiencing and accepting this moment fully?"

Failing to "Stay awake" caused me to drift away into moments of negativity, resulting in self-doubt and complacency. It's important to rigorously maintain self-awareness o understand that the past is no longer in existence,  and the future can only be determined if the present is truly nurtured. Practicing this has now made my life much simpler, and I spend less time thinking and more time doing.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

A Little Bit of Carpe Diem - Feelings of Loss without Reason

Here and now I never felt I’d post this topic because it’s a part of life that I had never really understood before. Sometimes during moments of happiness, when I’m feeling most content, surrounded by loved ones or in moments of reflection, I experience some sort of emotional conflict. Even during some previous relationships, I’d encounter a feeling that my mind is drifting into an unknown alternate reality, where I’m overcome by a feeling of loss; sometimes hit with a slight panic or sadness, even though nothing has occurred to reason the emotion. It’s like I’ve disconnected with my present and it’s very bizarre.

I spoke to an old co-worker of mine, from my life in New York because I always remembered how spiritual she was and how obsessed she was with astrology. So to gain insight I sought out her advice. She suggested that maybe it was my past life trying to remind me of something, or perhaps a glimpse into an event that may occur in my future. Although an interesting perspective, it wasn't a reason I felt comfortable with. Call me a skeptic, but I had to come up with a more rational explanation. However, she wasn't totally wrong, her insight triggered my understanding; by looking into my past and confronting my hesitations about the future.

When I meet key moments in my life, when life seems to be working out and when things are simply right, I sometimes can’t help feel that I’m about to lose something. That somewhere down the line some sort of loss may occur: losing a loved one, losing money, losing control or even losing my passion for my work. There were many scenarios in which I could potentially encounter loss so my mind would trigger feelings associated with it, even though no loss had taken place. Loss was perceived, it was like I was anticipating some sort of universal balance as a result of things working out in my life.

I reckon this occurred because of one of the following two reasons:

1. Preparing for Contingencies (known): Every direction I take in my life I have carefully calculated, by doing my research and planning for any contingencies, things I know that could go wrong. I can’t help it, I’m a marketer so it sort of happens innately.  So experiencing emotions in anticipation for a loss became a coping mechanism. So if loss was to occur, I’d be prepared, I‘d be ready to handle it, because I was taking care of it emotionally, ahead of time.

2. Waiting for Failure (unknown): All of us have jumped hurdles in life, minor or major, every person knows that the road to success isn't a direct route; we hit dead ends, wrong turns and encounter forks along the way. My feelings of loss stemmed from my past experiences, causing the doubt and disbelief in my present and an uncertainty for my future. Not knowing all the details of what could occur made me look into my past losses and we all know that a trip down memory lane can trigger an array of emotions we can’t seem to understand today.

What I had to do was retrain my mind to think in the present. A “what will be, will be” sort of attitude. I may be able to construct and direct my life but there are definitely elements beyond my control. I had to be okay with that and learn the importance of accepting the moment. I continue to remind myself like many others, that life has its funny way of fu***** us around from time to time. Therefore I shouldn’t live my life failing to appreciate the present, because I’m idly waiting for loss to occur. It’s a waste of energy leading to a breakdown of my identity.

The funny thing I noticed was, only when we suffer loss do we generally motivate the spirit to “live in the moment,” why wait for loss to occur when we can make that pledge now and “seize the day.” I decided to beat loss at its game and continually remind myself to be present and to look forward to the positive outcomes of my future. A failure to be present today makes for a loss of presence in the future. Sometimes, as we work forward to the life we design, we charge so fast that we make ruins of the memories we create. We have to stop and capture every moment as it happens, rather than letting the fragments of doubt spoil our chances to live.

 

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Achieve your Goals by Fixing Problems you Hold Onto

problems Many of us have those problems that we hold onto and they hold us back for one reason or the other. Your problem could be your job, it could be your partner or problems at work and home. For some reason we can’t seem to get past them and without realizing it; we're being held back from the things we want to accomplish.

Most of the time, I’ve realized that old doubts and future uncertainties make dealing with current problems more difficult. We’re blurred by our previous mistakes and let-downs and/or often concerned for our futures security.

We can also spend so much time and effort trying to fix or work on something that we really do not want, just so we can satisfy our fears. Not realizing that this is the actual problem that needs to be fixed. Just choosing to ignore it isn't going to help us achieve goals.

Alternatively, we try to hold on to something that was once great, with the hope that it will be again and admitting this can be extremely difficult. The thought alone can be very stressful, but waking up and dealing with problems is crucial to our success.

I’ve heard the term ‘identifying problems’ throughout my career, professionally and personally and never really understood what I needed to identify because when problems arise, they’re often staring at me point-blank. I found that in most cases I just feared facing them.

Fears derived from past experiences and/or future uncertainties make it difficult to process problems. Like leaving a crap job we're comfortable with, living in a demotivating environment we're used to and being in a lifeless relationship because we hadn't developed our identities.

When facing problems, assess your life, like a doctor assesses an x-ray, evaluate it. Is anything there you're uncertain about? Is a problem going to affect your future, if so, by how much? And what was the root of it? Then consider the options towards a solution.

Accepting the solution: Sometimes we find it hard to accept the steps we have to take, to put things right in order to re-align our lives with the goals we set. It may take drastic measures or it might take simple adjustments, but we may have to accept change to enable or continue success.

Only until we admit and face the problem, can we begin to accept a solution. When you think about it, do you want to spend your energy working on something that you necessarily do not want and run the risk of becoming complacent?  Or do you want to spend that time and energy on getting what you really want out of life?

Sometimes dealing with a problem is like ripping off a band-aid, exposing the wound for it to heal in order for you to carry on with the life you want to live.

Our problems are like crumbs that fall onto us after taking a big bite out of life, sometimes we need to brush them off before taking another bite.

To whatever extent your problems are, spend time fixing them rather than living with them.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach