mental-health

How to Master Your Own Mind: 5 Ways to Maintain Control

post by, VanCityLifeCoach.com

Mind

Over the last few weeks I took a break from writing and I spent time with family whom had visited me from England. I wanted to be present during each moment as they were only here for a short while. I didn't want to escape a moment to experience gratitude. Life is about balance and prior to them arriving, I had spent most of my time working towards my own passions and building my career; I had severely separated from a crucial part of my identity and neglected the very support that kept me grounded. My family visiting me was an opportunity to reconnect.

The last time I had spent this much time away from my writing, was when I suffered a severe case of doubt and fed the belief that I wasn't really good enough. The difference this time, I was in full control of my own mind, I mindfully stepped away from work because I knew what I needed to. When you become so passionate about something and push through the negative infiltrations, fear transitions from not feeling good enough, to the fear of losing what you’ve built. Spending the last few years developing my own mindset and pulling myself out of unprogressive thoughts, has taught me that I can’t live life motivated by fear. I can harness it to trigger motivation, but I cannot allow my life to be driven by it. Today I proclaim to live life awake, aware and in abundance; I’m learning to master my own mind.

#1.  Objectify your Thoughts

A habit I’ve been getting into, is evaluating and reflecting negative and destructive thought. Whenever my thoughts turn sour, whether it’s about myself or negatively towards others, I dance around it with thoughts of understanding. I’m not simply replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, as far as I’m concerned, there’s a long line separating the two. What I choose to educate myself with to interpret thought, is what keeps my mind balanced and still.

When a thought enters my mind that causes me personal conflict, I acknowledge it. I make myself fully aware that I’m experiencing some sort of disconnect with my own identity and it’s time to evaluate and reflect. I personally externalize the thought, put it on a piece of paper and begin to understand how I came to such a negative assumption. When you decode these thoughts, you begin to weaken their impact, almost like repeating a word over and over again, until it no longer sounds like a word.

We often give certain thoughts more power than others, usually the negative ones get the most attention; like how a baby gains more attention by kicking and screaming. By making yourself aware of thoughts, you begin to question them, you’ll circle around different thoughts with questions; theories and ideas, until you stumble on the truth. And you’ll know when you've reached this "aha" moment, because you’ll feel very much empowered.

#2. Conceptualize Perception

Nothing feels more real than entering a flow state. When working on something you're passionate about, the world around you seems to flutter away as you engage your inner genius, as your heart, mind and body is working in full synchronicity. If you regularly engage a flow state, you’ll become increasingly aware of how blurry perception can be. This is my 123rd blog post, I’m 7 chapters into writing my first book and I have invested countless hours a day talking about what I’m passionate about. Each time I come out of a state of flow, the world around me seems that much more distorted.

I’ve learnt to conceptualize perception, for one, I don’t waste time on what people think. It’s impossible for me to know what thoughts are motivating other people’s perception of the world, without spending time to get to know and understand them first. When you’re negatively impacted by others, you’re often focused on one recurring, internal thought. You’re boomeranging your own thoughts as you convince yourself that everyone shares it.

Don’t be naïve, focus more on doing the things that engage your passions and fill your life with bliss. If at every moment you’re engaging in an activity or thought that doesn’t fulfill you, you blur your perception of reality even more. Life becomes complicated and you’ll find yourself scrambling to understand why you don’t fit in.

#3. Experience Detachment

For the longest time I’ve been trying to understand the term detachment, that I failed to practise it. It’s not letting anything have rule over your life that'll steer you away from truth. In my opinion, detachment is more of an experience rather than a practise, it allows you to experience liberation like never before. Imagine; complete and utter freedom and no rule from thought, desire, emotion, people and even your own possessions.

I always say detachment feels the same as taking your clothes off in public, you have nothing left to hide as you strip away everything you’ve ever held onto, that kept you from exposing the most vulnerable part of who you are; your truest form. Detachment finally allows you to exist, uninterrupted nor influenced. Detachment guides you to peace of mind.

To start experiencing this today, begin to understand your relationship with everything you give meaning to, starting with your material possessions is the easiest way to begin. Evaluate your desire for these things, ask yourself why? Question the very purpose of how things define your life, not your lifestyle. The more rule you have over your life, the more rule you have over your mind. The more you latch onto things, people, desires, and thoughts and so on, you weaken your mind because you deter from what’s truly meaningful.

#4. Awaken your Imagination

Ever had a crazy thought, idea or put together an insane, out of this world theory and shrugged it off as silliness because you’d think people would think you’re insane, paranoid or just stupid? Yeah me too, but there is so much fun to be had if you just let your imagination roar. Regularly exercise your mind by freeing it from the shackles of reality, I always note down my "insanity" and store it in a folder called "Chaos".

Your imagination is vital to unlocking your potential, eventually one of your ideas, or crumbs from several ideas will guide you to self-actualization. If you let your mind regularly do its thing, you’ll eventually stumble across something you’ll feel confident expressing.

Why compartmentalize your imagination to fit in with the current trends and ideologies when, the advances we have in the world today came from the individuals often once thought to be insane. The world isn’t flat, the earth revolves around the sun and society is finally coming to terms with the fact that, we may not be the only ones living in this universe.

Imagination leads to discovery.

#5 Open your Mind

Last but not least, be curious, because when your mind opens up, you give fear the opportunity to escape. Connect with engaging stimulus; read more books, listen to more people and accept more fact. Try new things daily and test old practises rigorously. If you want to advance your mind, you need to stimulate it with something new. Expand zones of comfort and never be afraid to understand something by asking questions.

I grew up around warped cultural traditions that caused prejudice and inequality, the moment I moved away from it, was the day I began to discover my identity and my place in the world. And never hold anyone else back either, especially if you haven’t gained the experience or exposure to conceive any genuine opinion. This is your life remember, it’s up to you to discover what it’ll be about.

VanCity

How Music Can Help Awaken Your Passion

[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKO1ODNgbxs[/embed]

I watched this documentary [Alive Inside] and it reminded me of a message I drafted a few weeks ago. It inspired me to post it today.

To feel and experience raw passion, to discover and then nurture it, you must first tune into emotion.

Emotions pretty much control your being, they dictate your life and how you live it. Your emotions, if you can face them, could be the very key you’re looking for to unlock your potential. Great people are emotionally invested, driven by their own desires to make an impact on the world; they're passionate.

Music helps.

Music has a funny way of guiding you into a flow state. It activates a spirit which allows your imagination to fly free. When you play your favourite track and you’re transported to a moment, whether that moment existed or not, that moment allows you to feel.

When you feel, your heart syncs with your mind and they both work in unison to guide you closer to where you want to be in life. The aspirations you hold onto are activated and you’ll feel like every nerve ending in your body, has connected you to your destiny.

A fantasy overwhelms your reality and all you want to do is engage; this is your opportunity to be creative, innovative and inspired…and whatever else you need to feel to encourage work towards your goals.

When your emotions awake, you also shed many layers of thought that may have kept you from attaining a certain individual quality with your work.

A focus on emotion can stimulate a rare vision that normally you wouldn’t have been able to access. I think back to some of my best accomplishments, most, if not all of them we’re emotionally driven. Some moments gave me the courage to act on impulse, and others allowed me to truly understand what I really wanted for my life, allowing me to drop expectation and live life on my own terms.

This includes negative emotions too, for instance, hurt can motivate you to break negative behavioral patterns and encourage change in your life. Suffering can inspire you to change the world and anger can be channeled into productivity.

So next time you're looking to stimulate your passions, try putting on some of your favorite music, allow yourself to be transported to a moment and let the emotions you feel ignite a flow state.

For more information on the 'Music and Memory' organization and ways to donate, please visit: http://musicandmemory.org/. Check out the trailer for 'Alive Inside' here.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Stay awake with me.

Staying awake

The beauty of life, is that we have the opportunity to live it. So long as we maintain awareness within present moments, life can be experienced fully.

We can spend hours delving into non-existent pockets of time that satisfy our fears and suppress our truest desires. But if we do allow our minds to wander throughout time, we run the risk of losing touch with ourselves and end up losing touch with present moments we want to live.

I’d notice that my thoughts would often turn negative and I would feel as if my life would lose its value, whenever I allowed my present to be affected by the insecurities of my past and/or any uncertainties of my future. And in these moments, I’d be overcome by an overwhelming desire to escape my present completely, resulting in avoidance and halting any progression towards the life I wanted to be living.

I feel now, with my priorities in complete order and my consciousness focused on being very present and aware, I've been able to maintain more control over my own mindset. Every time I feel my mind wanders off in time, I wake up and snap back into productivity. I do what I have to do to satisfy the actual moment, instead of feeding any negative perception.

If for whatever reason I’m not happy or am feeling as if life is running away from me, I take it as a sign that I need to wake up. I've become increasingly mindful of how I had let non-existent moments in time affect my present life:

  • The lack of comradery in my past would cause me to hold onto unhealthy friendships in my present. By allowing my mind to drift off into the past, I continued to fail in my present. I’ve learnt that there is no moving forward if I’m consistently looking back, I cannot allow my past experiences cause me to drift into assumptions and notions that rationalize negative behavior today. I have to honor the present and take charge of the very moment I’m living.
  • On the other hand, the future has had its funny way of messing with my present too. I was recently offered an opportunity that connected really well to my goals, I hesitated before accepting this opportunity because I let my mind wander into the uncertainty of the future, and I was about to let a significant opportunity slip away from me because of a presumption that things wouldn't work out. To me that sounds just as ridiculous as living in the past, I desire a bright future yet here I am questioning the very opportunities that may give it to me. Although I have a clear vision of how I want my future to turn out, I cannot, and must not, allow this future affect my self awareness. My present choices determine the outcome of my future, so it makes sense not to dwell too much on thinking forward, but rather spend present efforts moving forward.

To maintain control over my mindset, I ask myself if this is what I truly want; "Am I completely fulfilled in this moment?" Or "Am I letting the burden of time affect me from experiencing and accepting this moment fully?"

Failing to "Stay awake" caused me to drift away into moments of negativity, resulting in self-doubt and complacency. It's important to rigorously maintain self-awareness o understand that the past is no longer in existence,  and the future can only be determined if the present is truly nurtured. Practicing this has now made my life much simpler, and I spend less time thinking and more time doing.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

10 Ways to Feel Better About Yourself and Into a Positive Mind-Set

Brush it off

Whenever you’re having a bad day or just need to clear your thoughts, try adopting some of the following principles to uplift your spirit, so that you can continue to deal with whatever life decides to throw your way.

#1 Liberation

Be honest and confess your heart out. We all have secrets that weigh us down, things that we continue to push back into the deep, dark corners of our minds. These repressions only add insult to an already difficult time in life, free yourself from the burden of locking up this stress and liberate yourself today. There’s an emotional freedom and strength you develop when you unlock both your heart and your mind.

#2 Withdrawal

There are certain things in life that occur outside the bounds of your control. You can either let this negative impact consume your spirit or, do what I prefer to do: plaster on a smile and say (aloud) “Fu*k it!” It’s my way of remaining in the present, not fearing what the past has to torment me, nor what the future has waiting for me (#fuckcancer).

#3 Bliss

Take a drive, book a weekend away, go out…do something for yourself that allows you to comfortably express yourself. Always take time for moments of bliss, to feel comfortable in your own skin; free to just be yourself. Personally, I book a trip away every quarter just to break away from the insanity that we refer to as the “real” world.

#4 Serenity

Go on a communications hiatus. Turn off the phone, close the laptop and pick up a book or engage in an activity that gives you time to relax and recover. Take time out to listen to your thoughts and be at peace with time. You can become so reliant on staying connected, that you can end up losing touch with yourself.

#5 Gratitude

Remind yourself of everything in your life that you're thankful for and show appreciation towards it/them. Whether you're grateful for the roof over your head or the people in your life, spend time protecting and showing appreciation to your most cherished assets. Oh, and don’t forget about your health; look after your mind and body.

#6 Community

Nothing eases the pressures of life than supporting others that could benefit from your help. Humbling, freeing and incredibly rewarding, helping others can really snap you out of negative thought processes. It can remind you that you’re worth something to someone, even if you believe the world and everyone in it is against you.

#7 Amnesty

Forgive. Forget. Move on. Let go of grudges; let go of the energy it takes to hate someone. Holding onto hate will only prevent you from moving forward. Understand that time gives you the opportunity to heal, but you must let go if you want to facilitate this process. Trust me, I held on to hate as if it were the life that ran through my veins, and it led my identity astray.

Also, fess up and seek redemption if you need to. We're all human, we're all learning, we're all connected and we feel the same emotions. Make your mistakes but own up to them, if you let them fester and do nothing, they’ll develop into regrets you'll later live with.

#8 Confidence

Say yes more! Just do it, if you’re hesitant then that’s your indication that there's a part of you that wants to experience and explore your curiosity – this is life! However, if you’re completely certain and very confident that you don’t want to do something, then don’t do it, listen to your intuition and your gut instincts.

#9 Passion

Indulge in your hobbies and unleash your inner expert. Do things that make you feel proud of yourself; do things that make you feel accomplished. Explore those things that interest you, especially if others do not understand why. Your hobbies and your passions make you unique and they’ll keep your identity intact. Never lose sight of who you are.

#10 Mindfulness

Often associated to meditation, but I’ve learned that mindfulness is just about being completely present without judgment. I liken it to the freedom you experience behind closed doors. Tap into your creative spirit, express yourself and feel good! Get yourself into a flow state and reclaim your life; sing, dance, paint, write…you have endless ways to be mindful in your very own, individual way.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Why Guilt Can Advocate Positive Change

guilt

They say love can make you do crazy things and if you’ve ever experienced it you’d probably agree. The emotion is so powerful that it has an overwhelming impact on your identity. When I think about it, I could probably push myself to do a lot of senseless things for the people I love. When an overwhelming power like that takes over you, you realize the force and the significance of emotion.

Guilt is an emotion that, if given enough attention, can harness the power of your true identity and direct you towards positive change.

When guilt arises, it’s very easy at first to deny it. It’s easy to just push it aside into the darkest quarters of your mind as you indulge in one distraction after another. It’s not easy to forget a powerful emotion like that and by battling against it you deceive yourself, causing you to embrace and justify inner torment.

A weight difficult to shed, it can really keep you down from progressing in any positive direction in life. What you may not realize, guilt can be the biggest reveal of your identity and you can use this emotion to navigate yourself towards becoming the best that you can be. Although you may not want to admit it, but honesty is the policy you need to adopt here. Be honest about how you feel, be honest about why you’re guilty and be honest about wanting to overcome this guilt.

Guilt is one of those powerful emotions that allow you to reveal your identity or cause you to lock it away. When you  experience true and life altering emotion, you're required to take responsibility for yourself.

Just as you have to reveal your aspirations to the world in order to achieve them, you must allow your guilt to rise in order to harness its power towards positive change. It’s also crucial to admit that you want to stop feeling guilty. It can feel ironic, but it if you apply positive thought, you present yourself an opportunity to develop positive change.

Processing your guilt causes you to evaluate and reflect, it causes you to face awareness and challenge the identity you've been living with. Powerful emotions like love and guilt have such an effect because they expose your truth. They reveal the most vulnerable parts of your identity and it’s within this vulnerability you’re able to connect to your true self.

When you choose to turn away from powerful emotions, you choose to deny who you really are and what you truly want. You begin to destruct your own identity, probably beyond recognition as you stray further away from fulfillment.

Remember, we are all flawed beings and perfection is an illusion that halts evolution. Hiding or turning away from your emotions because of mistakes and misdirection will only restrict your ability to find peace of mind. Keep you from making the changes you need and want to make in your life.

Every single one of us has the ability to be great, after all we feel the same emotions. What separates those who achieve genuine greatness and those who do not, is how emotions are harnessed.

Guilt allows you the opportunity to learn about yourself, it reminds you of your humanity and your desire to connect with others. Guilt is a chance to discover reason and purpose. Guilt is an opportunity to better your life so that when you do, you can make healthy amends.

Give yourself this opportunity to make positive changes and return to the world proving that you have learned, experienced and are repentant. It was Ghandi that said “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him.”

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

I get out...of all your boxes...I get out...you can't hold me in these chains

[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HdzTvH8mvw[/embed]

Heard this track by Lauryn Hill years ago, remembered it recently and the message in this song is poignant and incredibly freeing.

For anyone just not feeling like themselves, feeling a bit lost or generally burdened by anything; it's a good track to listen to.

Motivating, empowering and deeply personal.

I thought I'd share this to give anyone here a boost of creative freedom; to let your identity break free from any emotional captivity.

Don't fear judgment, ridicule or hate.

Your genius yearns to get out.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

100 Blog Posts: 100 Reflections to Self Respect

100

I was always taught that whenever I stayed over at a friend’s house, I was to ensure I respected my hosts and to leave their home having left a positive impact. After hitting this milestone of 100 blog posts, I finally understood what this lesson instilled in me. It was a lesson of self-respect.

We never grew up with much, well compared to my elder siblings I probably had a lot more, but we never had the material luxuries our friends or cousins had. It annoyed me and I used to resent my parents for always helping other people with their needs, because I felt we never really had the means to actually help others.

“I mean come on mum and dad, what’s the point in helping others if we don’t have a nice Benz to roll around in.” Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it, it’s kind of my point. It’s this cancerous way of thinking that’s causing us to disrespect the world we live in, and leaving a thoughtless trail of negativity for others to adopt. We all do it without even realizing it, we want without purpose and desire without cause. Many of us just aim to obtain the best lifestyle possible, never thinking about building the best life possible.

We can easily and casually overlook self-respect and our duty to pay it forward, so long as we have enough shiny distractions. I reckon it’s a reason why there is so much injustice and inequality in the world. It's why many of us fail to reach true and lasting fulfillment, we have no idea why we want the things we want, we're simply encouraged to want them.

I think about the struggles people go through. No doubt, life is difficult. I mean on top of keeping a roof over our heads and food on our tables, we ALL want freedom, we ALL want more bliss, and we ALL want to live in a more positive, more equal and more just world. So why is it so difficult to help each other out?

100 reflections later and I’ve learnt more about myself and life as I know it. I stress the importance of living by your own identity because it causes you to face and overcome your demons, and enables you to share your life with the world you live in. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the more honest you can be and the more positive you become.  You’ll learn to understand why you want the things you want and even alter those desires when you realize what it is your truly in search of.

It took me quite a while to completely let go of any agendas that held me back from being myself completely. The more I held onto the idea of fitting in, I filled my life with empty fulfillment. When I broke free from that, I began identifying how much was enough to feel safe and secure. Once I helped myself, I was able to help others and pay it forward.

Over two years ago I started The Lion’s Life. It started out as a way to develop an online profile so that I could say in an interview “I have a blog.” 100 reflections later, I’m turning down promotions and certain job offers because the money no longer motivates me. The life that I want to build does.

“I love this, it's an inspiration to all!!! Retweeting this!!!”

The day I received my first positive comment was from a supportive friend. I felt something powerful that I had never felt before, it was genuine self-respect. I had inspired someone to do something positive and I felt more rewarded than any possession I had earned.

I stuck to it and then these comments followed:

“We love this blog! …Be Yourself… Everyone Else Is Taken”

 “Thank you, through selfless sharing of ideas, thoughts and experiences that will make our world a better place to live.“

Great post for a week I was feeling a little gloomy! Thanks for the inadvertent boost.”

“What a blog! Thank you for sharing. This is something I definitely needed to read :)”

Love this! I found the same thing, magical things happen when you have the confidence to pursue your dreams!”

Beautiful! Thank you for writing this and sharing.”

So often matters are centric to awareness. Your words are grounding and worthy of reading/heeding.”

When the blog transitioned into a vice that offered support and inspiration to others, I learned that respecting the world we live in (this includes the people in it) and ensuring that we impact it positively, is more important than working to climb any sort of social ladder on my own. They say misery needs company, well the same is true for happiness.

Mum and dad must have known all of this for years, despite anything they went through financially, mum’s smile and heart is still contagious, and dad’s soul still beams bright and full of energy. The lesson they taught me (the one I mentioned at the beginning of this post) is much bigger than I initially thought.

What if every person just aimed to live on this planet, respecting it and leaving a positive impact as they depart.

Just think if we all just graced every single day with optimism, hope and helped each other out. We wouldn’t even need to debate if God exists or not, because God would no longer matter.

I guess the message in my 100th blog post is as follows:

Stay humble and remain honest as you help yourself, help another and help the world.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

How to Benefit From a Conscious Escape

Negative ControlI’ve been meditating a lot recently and as I’m still learning how to settle my mind and maintain stillness, I’ve began to notice a subtle sensation of detachment from my everyday life.

I began to feel as if I was entering a new era of awareness and I was waiting for my reality to catch up. I felt as if my life and my mind were out of sync.

At first I thought I was detaching from myself and my identity, I felt I was consciously stepping off my own path and moving towards a realm confusion and doubt. Everything appeared the same but the engagement felt very different. I’d be writing, listening to music, or having a conversation but I’d feel mindfully disconnected.

I’m not saying I experienced some sort of out-of-body experience, it was much more subtle than that. Also, when it comes to meditation I’m still very much a rookie. However the time I’ve invested in focusing on my own mind and concentrating on myself, has allowed me to become more aware of the strings that hold me back.

My feelings of detachment were not from my passions or my identity, I found myself detaching from my doubts and my uncertainties. The sensation of unfamiliarity and unease was my adjusting to an experience free from any puppet strings that controlled my life.

I felt unleashed. My identity felt affirmed; I felt free to explore so that I could grow and expand my work, build better relationships and discover new opportunities.

The conversations seemed different because I was being more open, the music had a different sound because I related better and my writing seemed clearer because I was being more honest. The actions I performed were the same, the schedule was too, but the mindset behind it was different.

The sensation of detachment came over me because my body was on autopilot, and my mind continued on to evaluate and understand what I had just learned. I was waiting to resync.

Evaluation

Sometimes when you select a vice to evaluate your life you can experience this detachment. As you look inwardly with an objective lens, with the intention to re-align yourself with what you set out to accomplish, what you realize can be unsettling.

As your mind begins to open up and your identity begins to free itself, you can end up experiencing this sensation of detachment. An “aha” moment that requires you to take a step back and comprehend what you have just learned.

To learn how much doubt and fear you held onto, how much energy and time you wasted and how much negativity you nurtured for a cause of no significance, can be difficult to grasp. You often spend a lifetime learning to live with low self-esteem and emotional torment, therefore when you realize these things were holding you back, unlearning it all takes some getting used to. You consciously step away from yourself as you figure out how to introduce this autonomy into your life.

I liken it to that yearning for travel, you fantasize about it and you expect to connect to new places right away. In truth, the first time you step into a new environment you almost feel as if it isn’t real. You have to take a minute to adjust and take it all in. It takes a while before you can let yourself be completely present again.

Any detachment you experience in life is an opportunity to evaluate and reflect. Consider these moments as an indicator to avoid complacency or even procrastination. Use these moments to trigger a motivation and evoke your spirit to take action.

I’m learning to meditate as a vice to prompt this practice, however these moments are always hiding in pockets of experience everywhere. When you’re running and lose yourself in the activity, when you listen to live music and experience an emotional shift, or even when you’re with loved ones immersed in bliss. Use these moments of conscious escape and understand the negativity that controls you.

Prepare for the ultimate break from negative captivity; listen to your mind as it detaches itself from your reality to learn from your spirit.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Escape your Comfort Zone

Comfort Zone

Over the last few (many) years I’ve gone from an uncomfortable person with low self-esteem to a confident being with self-belief. This had a lot to do with escaping my comfort zone and pushing the boundaries of my identity.

For the longest time I thought that “the comfort zone” was a safe place. A place where I can be myself and find peace within the life I’m living. The more I accepted this notion, the more I felt trapped by it and I realized that it’s a place that keeps us all from opportunities waiting to be captured.

You nestle into feelings of safety and familiarity so much, that you become afraid to step outside of it to explore the possibilities of your potential. It sort of reeks of agoraphobia and you enclose yourselves within your own prison.

I love it when people experience liberation, as they tell me about overcoming challenges and how they broke down the walls of comfort to achieve something they considered awkward and agonizing. They feel the excitement and thrill of a new experience that came from overcoming a fear of doubt - they develop a power of self-belief. Many think it’s a transformation of identity when really it’s your identity just breaking free.

The problem is perception, you often look at your comfort zone as a place you can return to. “I stepped out of my comfort Zone” something you’ve all said at some point I’m sure, but what if today you redefine it? As a place to break free from or rather a zone that you can expand until you no longer see limitation.

To build confidence or to even experience it, as is the case for a lot of people, you need to first learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Until this routine becomes normal and you learn to share your aspirations and “putting myself out there” is just a way of life, until you demand attention from the world, rather than shy away from it.

I believe it’s more foolish to not have tried than to fear looking foolish, although at times it feels embarrassing or silly but who cares? Seriously, who really cares? “Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but our self can free our minds” Bob Marley had a point.

You are your own betrayer, you’ll relive memories of ridicule and then criticize yourself harshly based on the perception of others to silence the sound of possibility and live with frustrating echoes of “what if.”

There’s never any satisfaction of not knowing, it closes your mind and keeps you from reaching your full potential.  You may believe that straying away from what you’re used to is a dangerous mission, but one thing I’ve learned is vulnerability feeds confidence.

So long as you’re exposed there’s nothing to hide from, either people will pay attention and support you or forget about you in time. The moment they forget is the moment you evaluate and become aware of your complacency and reignite your brand and escape from comfort.

If stepping away from your comfort zone is difficult, remind yourself that the world will move on with or without you. You have the choice right now, to decide if what you want is worth putting yourself out there for or choose to become numb to your aspirations and stop yourself from becoming the best that you can be.

Rather than turn your back on fear, turn around and face it. Children are taught to stand up to bullies - a lesson that somehow gets lost in translation, perhaps with age, because the “real world” is the biggest bully I know. Eleanor Roosevelt had a point too “do one thing every day that scares you” and with each day you’ll build up your identity to withstand anything.

Remember the comfort zone is only just a tiny part of your identity you’re ok with. The moment you put yourself out there, you’re not giving the first f*** about what the world thinks, it’s with that attitude you learn about yourself and become more at peace with all parts of who you are.

You’re an individual [insert your name here], be one.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

 

How a Premonition Awoke Me to My Present

Premonition

Life is constructed on expectation and emotion, after all it’s what motivates us to act on our goals. So is the reliance/notion of premonition so ludicrous? After all, we do often turn to the prospects of our future to pull ourselves out of despair.

Recently I was caught off-guard by a wave of insecurity and uncertainty, it washed over me suddenly and I felt like I was drowning in a sea of desolation. I couldn't avoid it, but I pulled myself out of it. To save myself from drowning I triggered some sort of 'premonition' to counteract my present uncertainty. What I saw allowed me to navigate my way back to shore, back to my identity. I knew that if I continued to float around surrounded by these emotions, I would drift further away from myself and my aspirations– I needed a reminder of who I was (the past) to rediscover what I wanted (the future).

Now I’m not talking about a supernatural power gifted by Gods. I’m referring to an ability that's contained within all of us, a way we can construct an image of our future to save ourselves from the negative emotions that we suffer from today. We all have the opportunity to foresee our future, but we must first delve into the past.

Now imagine that I’m literally floating in a cold ocean of despair, the longer I bask in uncertainty the further I drift away from who I am and what I want from life. The longer I stay still the less I feel. I become more and more numb to the identity I worked so hard to build. I needed a reminder of who I am, quickly.

Our minds have the power to relive any emotion just by delving into our past. I can literally think of anything from my past and relive the emotions associated with a memory. For others there’s a trigger, a song perhaps, a picture or a smell even, we all have it.

These emotions dictate our future; we construct our future by wanting to feel more of, or in some cases less of  what we have felt and experienced in our past. This is how we trigger a “premonition” - we get in touch with our emotions. If we have the ability to feel and relive the past, then we should be able to feel and get a glimpse of our future.

The more you feel from your past the more you understand about your future. I remembered achievements, I remembered positive comments and words of encouragement, I remembered great times in my life that I wanted more of.

The more I remembered the more I re-constructed my future. I used these emotions to re-build the vision of a future I wanted - so clear that it felt like a premonition. Action was almost instantaneous as I awoke to my present, I knew there and then what I needed to do to make that future a certainty.

Turning to certain emotions in our past can highlight our aspirations, and it was by generating this premonition that alerted me to my current actions. One thing we must understand is that we cannot control the past nor the future, we can only manage them by taking control over our present.

Having re-envisioned what I wanted for my future, I was then faced with a choice in my present: to either sink or swim. I could either continue to remain still and sink into the sea of desolation, or swim my way back to my identity and manage the future I envisioned - no waiting around for rescue, no waiting for the current to change, just me and my own spirit with my future in sight.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

A Lesson Learned: Robin Williams

Robin WilliamsSometimes you go through life doing what you love without realizing the impact you have on others. On the other hand, you can go through life living for others; overlooking the impact you have on yourself. The news of Robin Williams was eye-opening, it made me think about all the times he made me laugh growing up and thinking how I never gave a second thought about the person behind those happy characters. Always associating him with happy emotions, I actually found it difficult at first to feel saddened by his recent death.

I thought about it for a while and I can’t even begin to imagine how much depression he must have been suffering through. I mean here’s a man who expressed nothing but positive energy; spreading joy through laughter yet was unable to use his own talent and skill to help himself, that’s what really got to me.

Anything you do with your life, for whatever purpose, do it with passion but be sure to keep it intone with your identity and take the time to listen to what your emotions are telling you. At moments when you feel off or when you do not feel like yourself, is the time you must place your pursuit on hold and process what you’re going through. Only when you've processed and feel like you again, can you successfully and healthily continue on.

Depression is distressful and I know a few that would've found it easier to escape than to process.

However which way the reports conclude, however many may not understand why, I really hope that “Genie, You’re Free.”

R.I.P Mr. Williams, you’re most definitely going to be missed.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Lost Connections and the Importance of Staying Connected.

ConnectionI have a lot to be grateful for, and I'm lucky that I can to turn to what I'm grateful for, when I need prioritize life, as the best possible reason for living.

Today, reflecting on a few dark patches in my past, my thoughts led me to all my lost connections. Connections to people; the people in my life that used to bring joy and wonder to it. My connections to hobbies and interests like volunteering and my fascination with spirituality; bringing me fulfillment and escape. I was also reminded of a darker time when I lost my connection with my dream, when I had lost sight of all ambition and goal, looking for an easy way out.

I was taken aback by the memory of a time when life became numb. I remembered a time when the future looked bleak and I had lost all connection to my identity. I had forgotten how these connections were keeping my spirit alive and how important it was to stay connected and how humbling it can be.

I randomly had a long talk with an ex-girlfriend of mine a few days ago, she reminded me of the silly things I used to say about taking the world by storm with my work and however many times people doubted it, I didn't. I forgot how good we worked as friends, before the turmoil of our break-up and now, although I still can't trust her actions, I can trust the expectations she had of me. I guess it sums up why maintaining connections is important, she reminded me of a more innocent and naive time in my life and I'm glad for that. I gained a boost of confidence as it proved how far I had come on my journey.

I guess my message to you is simple although often overlooked. As you journey onward to success, remember to keep your treasured connections active. They'll pose as reminders of who you are, because the more we learn and the more we grow, we make new connections and we tend not to notice the ones we lose.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

For those on the verge of giving up...

...don't.

A unique opportunity, you have the opportunity to fight for the life you have always dreamed of. If giving up was an option for you then you would've done so already. the mere fact that your reading this post, be it for inspiration or for answers, proves that you're not ready to turn your back on yourself and your potential.

An Invisible road block, the journey that you feel should to end, hasn't. For when you hit roadblocks you need to go back the way you came and try a different direction...so evaluate. Evaluate your  choices, reposition yourself to continue the journey you began. Just because one avenue led you astray, try another and another and another until you find one that gets you back on track with your goals and your identity.

Determine your determination, is your will to give up stronger than your will to win? If so, what does this say about your character? Should you choose to perpetuate the negative - who are you really living your life for? Learn this, you have full control, alone or among a million, let yourself see the vision of the life you want and let that vision guide you, build your character and build your dream piece by piece.

Don't be afraid to seek guidance, there's a global network accessible at your fingertips. Do it anonymously if you want. Search for your answers, explore your passions, set new goals and find an outlet to share your world and attract what you will.

If your thinking of giving up...don't.

I thought about giving up blogging after my 7th post because I didn't think I was that good at it. Today I celebrate post number 50 with a bunch of great followers and I finally feel like this journey has just begun, because I can hear those positive whispers beginning to speak up and shout. Any goal you set yourself, anytime you feel that you can't carry on, just remember that all the challenges you face are testing your determination to succeed.

UPDATE: 4-OCT-15, Today I celebrate over 130 blog posts, built up a coaching business and success continues to grow everyday.

Thank you to everyone that has supported me so far, here's to nurtured goals and continued success! -

Terry S

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Why Insecurities Develop When Used To Mask Doubts in Relationships

Image When a discussion topic turns to relationships, the term insecurities get thrown into conversations all the time. Many people I've spoken to tend to say that their insecurities are affecting their relationships. However during the course of discussion, the case is that people will use the term as an excuse to simply mask and avoid doubts and concerns - ultimately blaming themselves for an entire problem that they may never have caused. For example, if someone is concerned that they are not getting the attention they deserve from their partner, compared to at the beginning of the relationship; many people justify that as an outcome of one’s insecurities getting in the way, rather than investigating where the doubt stems from first. Unfortunately when left unresolved, these doubts begin to develop into actual insecurities that carry over into other relationships.

First of all, here’s what I know about feeling insecure: People rarely reveal their insecurities, if someone is truly insecure about something; they do everything to avoid highlighting it. Feelings of insecurity are internal, insecurities will affect one’s own behavior, personality and self-confidence and it’s a huge self-esteem knocker. Feeling insecure is psychological and often stems from trauma and not from unfortunate situations.

In relationships when things begin to go south we always try to find a way to reason them. We want to understand why a certain situation is occurring. However, what I have found from many people is that they use their insecurities as a reason, almost like a defense mechanism, to avoid understanding the actual root of their genuine feelings. Also, people don’t like to feel their making the same mistake twice, so when they feel that something iffy is recurring, they confuse their emotions and reason with insecurity. It’s easier to admit fault with our insecurities as they are difficult to overcome, than to face up and deal with a relationship that could be on the rocks or even failing. It’s taking the easy way out.

To define those points which trigger feelings of insecurity is to look at the doubts you have, which in most cases means to track changes in behavior, either of your own or your partners. If you’re still the same person in the relationship as you were when you began it, then most likely it’s not insecurities that are making you feel uneasy, listen to your instinct instead. If you had insecurities in your past which you felt were resolved but now feel have been triggered, then you need to define the moment things changed and resolve it, before you begin blaming yourself. If you feel you've never had insecurities in the beginning and now they've developed, then you need to define the moment they began; In many circumstances you will notice that it’s caused from a change of behavior in the other person within the relationship. When we can pinpoint changes, we can then begin to unveil the true reason.

Consider doubts your warning signs, your mind and body will try to tell you if you’re beginning to feel symptoms of insecurity. If you notice yourself becoming more introverted, avoiding discussion and shunning away from the topic of relationships – these are signs of feeling insecure in your relationship, which then can be identified as causing the problems. If you’re openly talking about your relationship and trying to engage in discussion to resolve issues - these are your doubts. Feeling truly insecure in a relationship is very damaging, you open yourself to be controlled, manipulated and your identity can slowly get consumed. Justifying doubts as insecurities can lead feeling like every relationship you enter will ultimately fail because of your “insecurities” and you end up jumping over hurdles and compromises that can cause emotional harm.

Here’s some advice, if your partner isn't helping you feel more secure and comfortable, then clearly the relationship lacks a lot of the basics that make being in a relationship worthwhile. People forget the purpose of having another person in our lives - we need to feel empowered and encouraged by the people we keep close to us, to be surrounded with positivity and comfort and to offer this in return. Either way, you need to feel secure.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Depression: How To Replace Negative Thought

moolit-mermaid-night-sky Depression is an ultimate loss of identity. All of us find ourselves in a state of depression now and again, its natural; often life has its funny way of knocking us down. When we’re struck, negative thoughts tend to consume us, doubts encourage a cycle of uncertainties that we cannot seem to work through. Regardless of the knock back, the recurring theme is often a repetition of destructive thought. When depressed, we often feel we are trapped in a mosh pit, boxed in and surrounded by disbelief's that knock us from one bad emotion to another; we feel there is no escaping it, which is where we begin to lose our identities. I've learned that you have to retrain your mind. Feelings of depression begin to reverse positivity and halt the motivations that guide you forward - it reverses your ambition. Your identity is shaped by what you want out of life, depression makes you lose sight of that.

Start with educating yourself, most people when feeling depressed will know their depressed, like knowing when you’re lost. You’re not going crazy; you've simply hidden from yourself to cope with life’s curve-ball. Start by understanding that you’re heading in the wrong direction; understand the damage you’re causing yourself. In this current state where do you see your life going? I’m sure the result isn't your dream. Think long and hard about the trap you’re in that’s keeping you from moving on. You’re like a mouse stuck in a maze; you need to find your way to the cheese. However, the cheese isn't a metaphor for the happy life you crave; it represents the comfort in an awakening moment that there is no further need to struggle.

Begin to externalize thought. Thinking externally helps you to work through and organize your thoughts when you’re in a depressed state. Find a way to regurgitate your thoughts, write them down, paint them, record them, snap them, we have boundless ways to creatively store thought. Reason to externalize your thoughts is so that you can translate your thoughts back to yourself. It’s tough but you've let yourself into this state, so you can let yourself out. What caused you to get depressed may have been out of your control but you can control how you deal with it. If these negative thoughts are all you have, then you needed to find your way to externalize them in order to work through them. It allows you to deal with one thought at a time rather than trying to take on your mind all at once.

As you’re pulling negative thoughts out of your mind, you need to find reminders of positive ones. Oddly enough, being stuck in your room not wanting to leave and closing yourself off from the world is probably a good start. Find reminders of what life was, find reminders of your dreams and find reminders of good times. Remembering is a fantastic tool to uplift spirits. Memories are always embedded in your surroundings, if you look hard enough: Clothes, music, books, photos even old receipts - there are so many things that can trigger positive memories and remind you of your identity.

You’ll begin to break from finding comfort in negative thought, as you begin to activate encouraging and engaging positive thought. Reminding yourself of what life was or what life can be will allow you relive. As you relive great moments in your mind, you’ll start to break down the negative walls you feel surrounded by. Glimmers of hope will begin to trickle in. With hope peering in, realizations begin to hit. You’ll realize how lost you are, you realize what you wanted out of life and you’ll find your path. In this realization you begin to want, you’ll want your life back and soon enough your motivations will start filtering in. Use this as an opportunity to source out strength and pull yourself away from the negative behavior that brought you misery.

Depression is just like the sky at night; although it is dark and scary there are glimmers of light. Focus on stars to locate an opportunity. The sky at night represents all that we know and what is yet to be explored and even though it can get overwhelming, you can guide yourself back home, back to your identity.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Become More Confident: The Confidence and Curiosity Cycle

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Curiosity boosting confidence – the most enriched people I've come across show signs of being able to boost confidence by delving into curiosity. Confidence grows as you continue to understand who you are and what you want, therefore when curiosity is explored you learn that much more about yourself, what you like and don’t like, if you are good at something or not – curiosity opens areas of your own person you never thought or believed existed. The scary part is you need to have the guts to plunge into it first, which is how confidence allows you to be more curious.

Achieve a result: When you finally dive into exploring curiosity, the biggest challenge is seeing it through; people fall at the first hurdle and it tends to negatively impact their confidence. So even though you may have just begun to explore, you need to push yourself until you achieve some sort of result in order for you to gain confidence. Otherwise, you may end up letting yourself down, leading to self doubt – which is how curiosity can negatively impact confidence.

 Confidence allowing us to be curious - Think about when you embarked on something new for the first time: like a job/new business, an extreme sport, even travelling on your own for the first time. Certain triggers led you there, the fears and anxieties often spark your curiosity, maybe it sparked an interest, maybe you saw someone else’s courage or maybe, you know what it will do to your own self-esteem if you ventured into curious territory. These triggers open up your mind, you want to learn and know more so you build confidence by gaining a level of understanding first – often leading to research and assessment. Others, on the other hand, can jump right in based on what they may already know or have experienced. Either way, you go through these steps in order to ease the pressure of the pursuit. As they say – knowledge is power and with this confidence you’re more likely to take a chance.

Take action: When you build your confidence to a level of allowing yourself to be curious - be curious and discover. I’ve noticed I can only build confidence when I pair it with action. You’ll notice that when you bump into people who only appear to be confident, it’s because they cannot pair action/evidence to what they appear to know.

The drawback and gain: When the cycle is fully deployed and you didn't gain the results you had expected, you can still leave with the peace of mind of knowing you had explored unknown/unfamiliar territory. Relishing in the fact you gained some sort of knowledge and understanding something you may never have understood before - be it about yourself or anything else. Although you may struggle to repeat the cycle again so soon, you will do so with more caution and preparation. Going through the whole cycle with a positive outcome, you will only become more curious and more confident or vice versa, and as you repeat the process over and over you will gain knowledge and understanding of whom you are which can only work wonders for your own self-esteem.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach