feeling lost

A Little Bit of Carpe Diem - Feelings of Loss without Reason

Here and now I never felt I’d post this topic because it’s a part of life that I had never really understood before. Sometimes during moments of happiness, when I’m feeling most content, surrounded by loved ones or in moments of reflection, I experience some sort of emotional conflict. Even during some previous relationships, I’d encounter a feeling that my mind is drifting into an unknown alternate reality, where I’m overcome by a feeling of loss; sometimes hit with a slight panic or sadness, even though nothing has occurred to reason the emotion. It’s like I’ve disconnected with my present and it’s very bizarre.

I spoke to an old co-worker of mine, from my life in New York because I always remembered how spiritual she was and how obsessed she was with astrology. So to gain insight I sought out her advice. She suggested that maybe it was my past life trying to remind me of something, or perhaps a glimpse into an event that may occur in my future. Although an interesting perspective, it wasn't a reason I felt comfortable with. Call me a skeptic, but I had to come up with a more rational explanation. However, she wasn't totally wrong, her insight triggered my understanding; by looking into my past and confronting my hesitations about the future.

When I meet key moments in my life, when life seems to be working out and when things are simply right, I sometimes can’t help feel that I’m about to lose something. That somewhere down the line some sort of loss may occur: losing a loved one, losing money, losing control or even losing my passion for my work. There were many scenarios in which I could potentially encounter loss so my mind would trigger feelings associated with it, even though no loss had taken place. Loss was perceived, it was like I was anticipating some sort of universal balance as a result of things working out in my life.

I reckon this occurred because of one of the following two reasons:

1. Preparing for Contingencies (known): Every direction I take in my life I have carefully calculated, by doing my research and planning for any contingencies, things I know that could go wrong. I can’t help it, I’m a marketer so it sort of happens innately.  So experiencing emotions in anticipation for a loss became a coping mechanism. So if loss was to occur, I’d be prepared, I‘d be ready to handle it, because I was taking care of it emotionally, ahead of time.

2. Waiting for Failure (unknown): All of us have jumped hurdles in life, minor or major, every person knows that the road to success isn't a direct route; we hit dead ends, wrong turns and encounter forks along the way. My feelings of loss stemmed from my past experiences, causing the doubt and disbelief in my present and an uncertainty for my future. Not knowing all the details of what could occur made me look into my past losses and we all know that a trip down memory lane can trigger an array of emotions we can’t seem to understand today.

What I had to do was retrain my mind to think in the present. A “what will be, will be” sort of attitude. I may be able to construct and direct my life but there are definitely elements beyond my control. I had to be okay with that and learn the importance of accepting the moment. I continue to remind myself like many others, that life has its funny way of fu***** us around from time to time. Therefore I shouldn’t live my life failing to appreciate the present, because I’m idly waiting for loss to occur. It’s a waste of energy leading to a breakdown of my identity.

The funny thing I noticed was, only when we suffer loss do we generally motivate the spirit to “live in the moment,” why wait for loss to occur when we can make that pledge now and “seize the day.” I decided to beat loss at its game and continually remind myself to be present and to look forward to the positive outcomes of my future. A failure to be present today makes for a loss of presence in the future. Sometimes, as we work forward to the life we design, we charge so fast that we make ruins of the memories we create. We have to stop and capture every moment as it happens, rather than letting the fragments of doubt spoil our chances to live.

 

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Understanding Fear and the Fear in Decision Making

Decision We’re always faced with making big decisions; decisions that shape our lives and decisions we make that affect others around us. In such situations we often seek out advice, but often enough our advisers turn into influencers. Just like consultants, we trust that their steering us down the right path because we lack knowledge or skill. So we can often get misguided by placing our trust in others or dismiss good advice completely because of past experiences...

...and on this other hand if we’re not seeking advice, we’re battling against our own experiences and instincts, we rely on what we already know to help aid our decisions. Good or bad, our past has a big influence over our future, previous failures and successes determine the size of risk we're willing to take. We play by odds and a battle between heart and mind commences.

All my life I’ve gone with my instinct and followed my passions - it's what I trust the most, but now and again my instincts get overwhelmed and my passions are taken aback when faced with big, often life altering decisions. I lose trust in my own instinct, or not notice what it's telling me because of all the uncertainty.

Now normally I would battle on and power through a swaying decision until I uncover the answer, but I've learned over and over that there is no time to sit and wait - by doing so major opportunities maybe missed and I’m to be left with regret.

Making quick decisions is a skill you develop when you trust yourself. If you doubt yourself you begin to lose that trust, you lose that trust then you'll live in fear; fear of failure.

To help me out I did what I rarely do, I took a break from my existence. In order to process my thoughts and figure out what I wanted, I had to escape everyone and everything for a moment so that I can re-enter my life definitive. Up until this point I was hit with so many persuasions (both internal and external), I didn't know whether to fight or flight or where to draw arguments from; it was intimidating.

So, I turned off my cell phone, packed a bottle of water and literally went on a hike. I didn't even pack my i-pod, music motivates my mood and I didn't want to be influenced by anything. I journeyed to a familiar spot so that I wouldn’t get distracted by a new environment and I hiked towards a solitary place overlooking the city. From there I just sat with my bottle of water and only had my mind to keep me company, something that is often difficult to do in today’s society, but I processed the hell out of my thoughts.

It was refreshing but it was difficult. For the first 20 minutes or so I kept thinking about all the time I was wasting, the time that could be better spent investing in more productive projects. Focusing on the stuff I needed to get done, thinking I should have brought my laptop along and missing my I-pod. It was like my mind was in rush hour and my thoughts were stuck in traffic; I wasn't getting anywhere but I was very eager to move on from them.

I continued to sit there and my mind eventually rested, I began thinking of the most random things, bizarre memories would just make their way forward and somehow I was taken back to the very first time I visited New York City; the excitement and the motivation that I felt back then. I remembered how ridiculously naive I was and how little I knew about the world and about life in general and yet, remember feeling like I could rule the world – I wasn't scared because I had no other choice but to take control and let my identity lead the way.

It was then I realized that my indecisiveness came from fear and my theory is: fear is a reaction to the lack of control. I had lost complete control over a decision, which is why I feared making it. Fear also starts a war between the physiological and the psychological which is why you’re only really presented with the fight or flight option and i choose believe that’s bulls***, therefore I present to you my loop hole.

When you’re struck with fear and a difficult decision, take the time to just escape for a moment, not completely but just for a moment, re-align yourself with your goals to regain control, to turn the situation around to your advantage and face your decision with your life insight.

Like me it may take some reminding of what you want or gained from life, others it may mean educating yourself more for a better understanding. Whichever way you can regain control, allow yourself to break away into thought to figure a way out of doubt. It allowed me to fully understand the decision I needed to make, it was as if I could see the light bulb flashing above my head and everything suddenly became crystal clear - I came to my own conclusion to overcome the conflict and made my decision. I restored trust back into my instincts.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Depression: How To Replace Negative Thought

moolit-mermaid-night-sky Depression is an ultimate loss of identity. All of us find ourselves in a state of depression now and again, its natural; often life has its funny way of knocking us down. When we’re struck, negative thoughts tend to consume us, doubts encourage a cycle of uncertainties that we cannot seem to work through. Regardless of the knock back, the recurring theme is often a repetition of destructive thought. When depressed, we often feel we are trapped in a mosh pit, boxed in and surrounded by disbelief's that knock us from one bad emotion to another; we feel there is no escaping it, which is where we begin to lose our identities. I've learned that you have to retrain your mind. Feelings of depression begin to reverse positivity and halt the motivations that guide you forward - it reverses your ambition. Your identity is shaped by what you want out of life, depression makes you lose sight of that.

Start with educating yourself, most people when feeling depressed will know their depressed, like knowing when you’re lost. You’re not going crazy; you've simply hidden from yourself to cope with life’s curve-ball. Start by understanding that you’re heading in the wrong direction; understand the damage you’re causing yourself. In this current state where do you see your life going? I’m sure the result isn't your dream. Think long and hard about the trap you’re in that’s keeping you from moving on. You’re like a mouse stuck in a maze; you need to find your way to the cheese. However, the cheese isn't a metaphor for the happy life you crave; it represents the comfort in an awakening moment that there is no further need to struggle.

Begin to externalize thought. Thinking externally helps you to work through and organize your thoughts when you’re in a depressed state. Find a way to regurgitate your thoughts, write them down, paint them, record them, snap them, we have boundless ways to creatively store thought. Reason to externalize your thoughts is so that you can translate your thoughts back to yourself. It’s tough but you've let yourself into this state, so you can let yourself out. What caused you to get depressed may have been out of your control but you can control how you deal with it. If these negative thoughts are all you have, then you needed to find your way to externalize them in order to work through them. It allows you to deal with one thought at a time rather than trying to take on your mind all at once.

As you’re pulling negative thoughts out of your mind, you need to find reminders of positive ones. Oddly enough, being stuck in your room not wanting to leave and closing yourself off from the world is probably a good start. Find reminders of what life was, find reminders of your dreams and find reminders of good times. Remembering is a fantastic tool to uplift spirits. Memories are always embedded in your surroundings, if you look hard enough: Clothes, music, books, photos even old receipts - there are so many things that can trigger positive memories and remind you of your identity.

You’ll begin to break from finding comfort in negative thought, as you begin to activate encouraging and engaging positive thought. Reminding yourself of what life was or what life can be will allow you relive. As you relive great moments in your mind, you’ll start to break down the negative walls you feel surrounded by. Glimmers of hope will begin to trickle in. With hope peering in, realizations begin to hit. You’ll realize how lost you are, you realize what you wanted out of life and you’ll find your path. In this realization you begin to want, you’ll want your life back and soon enough your motivations will start filtering in. Use this as an opportunity to source out strength and pull yourself away from the negative behavior that brought you misery.

Depression is just like the sky at night; although it is dark and scary there are glimmers of light. Focus on stars to locate an opportunity. The sky at night represents all that we know and what is yet to be explored and even though it can get overwhelming, you can guide yourself back home, back to your identity.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach