doubt

Stop Playing the Blame Game

Blame

Productivity and a proactive, positive mindset are crucial when formulating the outcomes you desire from life. If you’re engaged in a game of blame to make sense of failures or undesired results, then you run the risk of losing key identity traits that keep you on track with your aspirations.

Responsibility is not a selfish notion, it’s a collective one.

Everything I’m going to mention in this post is instilled within each and every one of us. You can either spend your efforts playing the blame game, which does nothing but distract you from reaching any level of fulfillment. Or, you can take responsibility for your life and let your aspirations power your determination to succeed.

You are solely responsible for your own life, despite what you may believe, you are in full control. You just have to ask yourself how badly you want the life that you crave. What sacrifices are you willing to make? What challenges are you willing to face? Even if it means being ridiculed and judged, are you able to take responsibility and stand up for your passions and your beliefs?

Responsibility transcends beyond your immediate needs, it’s ensuring that you pay a lifetime of duty to yourself, to live life optimally and take advantage of every opportunity you seek. It’s trusting your instincts and maintaining a healthy balance between your mind, body and soul.

Responsibility is understanding that every undesired outcome in life can be rehabilitated, so long as you strengthen your will and become incredibly aware. It’s overcoming fears and doubts by regularly consuming knowledge and accepting fact. It’s overcoming hesitation and raising your hand to ask a question.

You’re a being of uncapped potential and if there is something in your way that you wish to challenge, then develop and test your ideas. Turn your senses off from trending desires and create, and innovate by allowing your imagination to turn the gears in your mind.

For those you’re responsible for, it is your obligation to set prime examples of what responsibility looks like. Maintaining pride and upholding traditions of no value is not responsible. You must ensure that you create an environment for yourself and for others to be open and honest, in order to feel safe and secure.

When you feel that you have tried absolutely everything to succeed or feel deflated from a lack of achievement, you’re presented with an exceptional challenge. It’s the challenge of perseverance and yes, you do have what it takes.

It’s easy to blame the world and everyone in it for your problems, or the lack of present achievements/opportunities. Although you may have bigger hurdles to jump over that others perhaps do not, don’t allow this to be an excuse to lose control over your own life. Remain in the driver’s seat and take responsibility for the journey you embarked on.

So go on, trigger your motivation and feel the energy of that dream life you’re going to make a reality; navigate your mind into a state of ultimate responsibility!

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

How a Premonition Awoke Me to My Present

Premonition

Life is constructed on expectation and emotion, after all it’s what motivates us to act on our goals. So is the reliance/notion of premonition so ludicrous? After all, we do often turn to the prospects of our future to pull ourselves out of despair.

Recently I was caught off-guard by a wave of insecurity and uncertainty, it washed over me suddenly and I felt like I was drowning in a sea of desolation. I couldn't avoid it, but I pulled myself out of it. To save myself from drowning I triggered some sort of 'premonition' to counteract my present uncertainty. What I saw allowed me to navigate my way back to shore, back to my identity. I knew that if I continued to float around surrounded by these emotions, I would drift further away from myself and my aspirations– I needed a reminder of who I was (the past) to rediscover what I wanted (the future).

Now I’m not talking about a supernatural power gifted by Gods. I’m referring to an ability that's contained within all of us, a way we can construct an image of our future to save ourselves from the negative emotions that we suffer from today. We all have the opportunity to foresee our future, but we must first delve into the past.

Now imagine that I’m literally floating in a cold ocean of despair, the longer I bask in uncertainty the further I drift away from who I am and what I want from life. The longer I stay still the less I feel. I become more and more numb to the identity I worked so hard to build. I needed a reminder of who I am, quickly.

Our minds have the power to relive any emotion just by delving into our past. I can literally think of anything from my past and relive the emotions associated with a memory. For others there’s a trigger, a song perhaps, a picture or a smell even, we all have it.

These emotions dictate our future; we construct our future by wanting to feel more of, or in some cases less of  what we have felt and experienced in our past. This is how we trigger a “premonition” - we get in touch with our emotions. If we have the ability to feel and relive the past, then we should be able to feel and get a glimpse of our future.

The more you feel from your past the more you understand about your future. I remembered achievements, I remembered positive comments and words of encouragement, I remembered great times in my life that I wanted more of.

The more I remembered the more I re-constructed my future. I used these emotions to re-build the vision of a future I wanted - so clear that it felt like a premonition. Action was almost instantaneous as I awoke to my present, I knew there and then what I needed to do to make that future a certainty.

Turning to certain emotions in our past can highlight our aspirations, and it was by generating this premonition that alerted me to my current actions. One thing we must understand is that we cannot control the past nor the future, we can only manage them by taking control over our present.

Having re-envisioned what I wanted for my future, I was then faced with a choice in my present: to either sink or swim. I could either continue to remain still and sink into the sea of desolation, or swim my way back to my identity and manage the future I envisioned - no waiting around for rescue, no waiting for the current to change, just me and my own spirit with my future in sight.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Moving from One Goal to the Next: Relinquishing Doubt

Goals

There’s a lot of material out there that talks about setting goals and aiming high, even my blog carries this re-occurring theme. This time, I wanted to write to those that are on the verge of hitting a goal, as I am on the verge of accomplishing one of mine.

Like many goal oriented people, we become solely focused on accomplishing the task at hand and just like the time that seems to escape us, our emotions do too.

I’m close to finishing my very first book. I’m becoming to get a little nervous now, because all my spare time was dedicated to writing; my focus was set on getting it finished, that very little thought went into what would happen when I did. Now I’m near the end, I find myself processing all those emotions and thoughts that got buried under my work.

I’m thinking about all those times I said no to going out with friends in order to complete another chapter and all those times I was up late writing and struggled to stroll into work the next day. The outcome of my efforts need to make those compromises worth it, it’s quite intimidating!

These feelings began to overwhelm me and I felt like I would regress to self-doubt.

The decisions I had made, the commitment and dedication I gave to this project were pulled back into debate. I turned down job opportunities, I literally had people waiting for me to submit resumes and I never did. All of these decisions are hitting me now because I chose stick by my aspirations over taking a safer route.

So I did what I always do when I get these feelings of anxiety, I looked back at all my previous accomplishments. Moments in my life when I was at my lowest and moments of greatness. As I reflected I realized these feelings had occurred before; when I quit my job to move abroad, my very first day at university, the time I explored new cities on my own and even the day I started this very blog. I've had a lifetime of experiences to remind me that these feelings are completely normal and I remember why.

I reiterate, fear is a reaction to the lack of control and nobody can control how life is going to work out, but everyone can control what they do with it. I don’t know where my book is going to take me, but I learned that every experience has always led me somewhere and I grew stronger from every experience. The value is: I learned more about myself, the things I am capable of and what I can accomplish if I stay focused and true to my aspirations.

Over the past six years I went from being lost with low self-esteem to self-actualized and confident and I did this by taking full control of every step I made. The day I decided to follow my own passions I was freed from the burden of any expectation and pressure to “settle.” The message is: I have this one life to live right now and I’m not going to waste it by not trying.

Furthermore, this is where surrounding yourself with the right people and always discussing openly about your aspirations pay off.

I tend to become a recluse when I write, but when I am socializing, who I am and what I’m working towards becomes evident right after the question “so what do you do?” Recently I connected with some people who I hadn't spoken to since earlier this year and the majority of them asked me how my book was doing. It was in that moment, a flood of positive energy seized any doubt that I was feeling, because someone held up a mirror and showed me that I can put my mind to anything and accomplish it.

Whichever direction the book goes, I know for certain that I have the ability to write one. The things I’ve learned, the process and what I’ve been through probably mean more to me right now than the final outcome. I’ve learned that no matter what the outcome is, I have the ability to start something and follow it through to the end, teaching me that I can start absolutely anything I want and so can you!

Even though I started off not knowing how to do it, I got it done! So take it from me, be whoever you want to be, tell the world about it and embark on your journey, dedicate your life to your aspirations and free yourself. Doubt may creep up from time to time but on that day you’re forced to look back on your life, I promise you nothing will fill you up with more pride and fulfillment than your accomplished goals.

Whatever the outcome, I’ve already set the next goal to get my book published, so I will make it happen one way or another. This goal that I’m about to complete will highlight the things I need to do to achieve the next and with each goal accomplished, I’m that much closer to my dream.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

 

I didn't know what I was doing, but I got it done.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezctLYQGKco Here's the thing, when I started this blog I had no clue about any of it. All I had were a bunch of words put together that developed into messages.

I was scared, nervous, excited, doubtful inspired, but all I knew was if I didn't know what I was doing, but it felt right, I should just work on getting it done. After all, we all start somewhere and the hardest thing is sticking with it through thick and thin.

I heard this song and it kind of reminded me of that childlike character we adopt when we start something new. As we learn through trial and error, we begin to get confident as we progress and we want to explore things further, we forget about the struggles because we're sticking with who we are. For instance now, I’m now working on my very first book, if someone told me that four years ago I’d probably laugh along with doubters, all I know is, if I put enough passion and dedication behind something, I’ll eventually figure it all out.

The journal entries I kept turned into this blog, this blog opened the door to the book that I’m writing and I also have plans for what comes next, but I've learned to take things one step at a time to learn more and gain even more confidence in my abilities.

People always have excuses as to why they cannot start right now, but this experience has taught me that nothing will change tomorrow unless I make it happen now. Each day a post gets delayed, each day I don’t spend writing, each day I don’t work to my potential is a day I've put my life on hold.

Find those little pockets of time to get things done even if you haven’t figured out how to do it yet. I know that in 20 odd year’s I’ll look back on my life content with the fact that I'd have invested my time well, even during crappy moments.

Today, even if you only have a small crumb of interest in something, explore it and who knows what wonders you may uncover, you may just discover your passions. Let doubters do the doubting and live life fulfilled by sticking with the things you love and staying true to yourself.

Music: Passenger - 27

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

No Longer Concerned with Keeping my Aspirations at Bay.

Free Spending time with friends I haven’t seen in years, meeting new people and reigniting old relationships for short bursts of time, I’m wondering how the next few weeks of being at home will handle my identity.

Being around the place I grew up, people here were only used to seeing a lesser confident, more doubtful version of myself.

If you've been following my blog, you`ll understand how getting to know yourself and connecting with your true identity is at the core of lasting success. It helps you to set and accomplish any goal confidently and enables you to discover your passions.

Over the last few years I have accomplished a lot, I live life with self-belief and I know exactly what it is I want from it. Moving away from home and becoming confident to express my ideas among my current friends was one thing, but now my identity will get tested as I face my old life self-actualized.

This time that I’m spending in the UK has definitely opened my eyes to how much energy and effort we all waste trying to mold ourselves into the shape of somebody else’s expectations, when really no one gives a f***.

For those struggling with and suppressing what it is they want from life, need to spend that wasted energy and effort on letting it out. Those who have, return to your world and test it, what comes of it may surprise you, remember that you've unlocked the door to your true potential and just by being yourself you're no longer holding yourself back.

So today my past sees me for who I am and when asked "what are you up to nowadays?" the answer is clear, confident and concise. I know where I’m headed, they now know where I’m headed and I’m no longer concerned with keeping my aspirations at bay.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Returning Home with a Clear Sight and a New Equilibrium

Fast Train  

Having forced negativity out of my life, dealing with life has gotten a lot easier. Ever since I've realized my own mission and my goals towards that mission, the vision for where my life is headed has become much clearer.

I feel like I’ve recently entered a new equilibrium, a sense of calm and stability I wasn’t aware of until I returned to the UK, back to the root of my uncertainties.

I look around now with a fresh set of eyes and I finally see the motivational triggers that were once hidden.

Before it was always about the escape: to get away from problems, the hide away from doubters and avoid expectation. Now, with my mind clear and my focus on point and a belief in myself, I’m no longer concerned with anything or anyone that doesn’t matter.

Truth is, if you want to be on the fast train towards your dream, then there’s no room to stop off for anything that will jeopardize your journey.

It only takes one negative thought to spiral into a world of self-doubt; it was this reason I always avoided returning home, to the very place I grew up.

Today I return with my own identity, a clear understanding of who I am and what I want from life. I feel I have full control of where my life is headed and there’s no stopping me.

I know there’s things I have to face when I return home, unfortunate circumstances, struggles and challenges but with these new eyes, I’ll be able to see the positive side to everything.

I can confidently say I will succeed at all the things I choose to accomplish. The lessons I carried with me, the same lessons I share throughout this blog, have broken me free from a cocoon and able to return and look back at it self-actualized.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

How To Control Creativity: Enter Into Chaos

writing

Control is paramount to success; scheduling, timing, thinking strategically, ensuring responsibilities are maintained and so on. You need to be in full control of your life to live it without fear and to become the success you want to be.

You need to control the journey, manage the steps you take and the directions you go if you want to shape destiny your own way. With control over it, you won't fear it, you won't fear losing it and you'll limit any doubts you have of not achieving it - hence why maintaining control is crucial.

Unfortunately life for anyone shaping their dreams is going to be chaotic. Take my life for instance, between working full-time and consulting, maintaining daily responsibilities and running a home, on top of keeping up to date with my responsibilities back in the UK. Maintaining this blog and writing my book i.e fulfilling my passions. is what makes life full.

However it's not these duties that make life chaotic, good time keeping and scheduling ensures that the above gets taken care of.

What makes my life chaotic is when a wave of inspiration comes out of nowhere and it isn't the time allocated to be creative. For example, having amazing ideas when washing the dishes or during a busy shift at work and in the middle of the night, even though I have to be up at 5am.

Creativity rarely seems to hit when I'm actually sitting in front of the computer ready to write...How am I to stop everything I'm doing and just surf the inspirational wave? How does one control creativity?

Here is why I consider myself lucky to be building my dream in the digital age; my trusted tablet becomes my journal, it's how I get to embrace the chaos of creativity when my muse decides to visit.

On my cloud storage, I have a folder called 'Chaos' it's where I store all my ideas.

Chaos

'Chaos' has become a folder full of random voice notes, pictures, jotted down words, partially written blog posts, music tracks, links and all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff. It's a stupendous mess but it is so igniting when I'm ready to write. Everything is time stamped so I can recall the very moment an idea struck (a simple time-stamp and description of what you were doing goes a long way).

When creativity hits it just hits, it's up to you to either let it flow into your preferred outlet there and then or let it fizzle away until the next wave of genius comes along at a more convenient time. Never let that happen, embrace the chaos when it arrives but control it by storing it - just ensure you access it at your earliest convenience.

Like many of us, life is often too demanding to put aside for a creative outburst, so this is how I control creativity and make creativity work for me. I still maintain control and when I am ready to write, all I need to do is delve into chaos.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

6 Rules You Can Follow, That Will Help You Believe In Yourself

Self Belief
Self Belief

One of the biggest hurdles to pursuing your passions is believing in yourself. Here's some rules of mine to help you overcome that.

Rule#1  - Start your own path

For the longest time I put off pursing my passions to follow a path that others dominated. I saw other people take certain steps towards their aspirations and rather than developing the mind-set of starting my own journey, it seemed to make more sense to follow/mimic somebody else's.

I was wrong. I needed to stick by my own passions if I truly wanted my own success. I didn't want to follow the path of the family man, or the big shot corporate guy, nor the broke artistic guy nor did I want to fit into any stereotype. I didn't want to be so easily defined so I took a vow to set out my own rules with my own identity and let that guide my success.

Rule#2 - Drop everyone's expectations

Shed the expectations people have of you. Shed the burden of living up to someone else's design of your life. I place emphasis on, more than anything, the importance of living life your own way. Here's why: if you live life by living up to someone else's expectations then you relinquish control to someone who can never understand what you truly want, because nobody can.

Be sure to expect the best for yourself and determine what would make you happy and take charge of your own life. Yeah sure by all means accept help and guidance when you need it, but know when you need it and when you don't. You want to believe in yourself? Get to know yourself.

Rule#3 - Learn how to handle challenges

Challenges vary, but consider all things that you find difficult, all things that make you feel inadequate and all the negative impacts from life as your challenges to overcome, not burdens to live with. You need a positive way to work through them, faced with a tough task? Perhaps break it down into small easier tasks. Finding it difficult to handle negative comments? Then use that negative energy and drive it in your passions; there is nothing wrong with wanting to prove people wrong, so long it's with your actions.

How you handle each and every challenge life throws at you will determine your ability to actually succeed. Trust me on this one, challenges are like tests, how you handle them determine whether you pass or fail.

Rule#4 - Overcome your problems - learn to fight

People always have two options when dealing with issues and problems. It's the classic fight or flight, you face them and deal with them head on, or you avoid them and run away from them. If you choose the latter you will never feel like you believe in yourself, because each and every problem needs a solution. Fix them, you may not even want to, but you have to, failure to do so will only further prove you can't handle what it is you want from life.

Rule#5 - Consistent activity - engage in your passions

There is something you want and you probably believe you won't get it. Put that belief aside for now and just carry on. If you want to pursue something and you believe it won't happen, just continue to engage in your passion regularly. The more knowledge you gain and the more you throw yourself into the world of your passions, that glimmer of hope you hold onto, will get brighter.

You will slowly tip the balance from self-doubt to self belief. You'll notice that your haters will not be able to challenge you as much and that your disbelievers can't deny you anymore because each time you engage, your closing that gap between yourself and your dream.

Remember -  LEARN, IMPACT, FULFILL and ENGAGE (L.I.F.E).

Rule#6 - Find supporters and surf the wave of encouragement...

...even if it's your Nan, or your dentist or some random stranger in a coffee shop that struck up a conversation because of mutual interest- there are plenty of opportunities to find encouragement. When you do come across it, accept it, don't deny it..it is totally OK to let others believe in you if you might not do so right now. Don't disprove them.

The energy you receive is based on the energy you put out there, so if your focused on your passion and its evident, people will eventually notice and start believing in you, even if you might not right now. Follow this rule and watch your confidence grow and you will begin to believe in yourself the sooner you accept that others do.

3 Things To Remember When Doubters Cast Their Discouraging Shadow

shadowI often wonder why some people seem to be surprised when they hear about my aspirations and the pursuit of my goals.

Now I know I'm not exactly there yet, but I am on my way. I see my life shaping out exactly how I wanted it to, right before my eyes and I still find myself engaging with people that are still unconvinced.

So, forget them. Right? Wrong, understand them.

One thing I learned about pursuing my dream, is that I'm pursuing my dream. I would often get discouraged or offended when people would speak to me in that tone of voice, you know the one where what they're saying isn't what they're thinking.

Well, what I understand now, is that people can only agree with you to a certain extent and this is with anything. Most people can, and only will agree with you to the extent of their understanding, which is why you will always be hit with so many different reactions.

People place the probability of your dream becoming a reality based on the facts that they have or haven't acquired.  So long as you continue to learn and grow, develop your skills and talents, and are making the most out of every opportunity, you'll get to where you want to be.

Remember, it's a difficult task to get everyone on the same page as you, so don't let what people assume affect your ambition and focus on making your dream a reality.

So long as you give it your all and don't give up, you will succeed.

The 3 things you need to remember:

1. You're pursuing your dream for yourself, whether others benefit or not. Your dream is catered to you and your passions, so some people may not understand it or will have a hard time believing it.

2. You determine your own level of success, so do not let others influence that. Your results are dependent on your efforts, but be prepared to fight off negative influences.

3. Doubters will always exist, because so many others give up. So many people try their hand at pursuing their lifelong ambitions but the moment they give up they pour energy into doubters.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Understanding the Struggle to Accept Change.

DSC01452

 The image above represents how I feel right now at this very moment. As if I’m sitting at the edge of the Grand Canyon thinking “how on earth I did ever make it here?” When the above picture was taken, I thought to myself, something big is going to happen, someday, sometime in my life. I finally woke up and realised that I can shape my own life. The world is big and it applies a lot of pressure, but I shouldn’t stop working towards my dreams because of the fear of losing a great moment; to which I jumped over hurdles to achieve. Who knew that I would be constructing posts and support followers and that I’d begin conjuring up words to fill an entire book. I feel inspired and intimidated by the clear glimpse into my future and I begin to fear the changes coming my way.

Recently I spent most of my time doing nothing; this blog is now a year old, my 30th post marked the beginning of my first book and obtaining residency in Canada just opened the doors wide open to new opportunities and realities. Throw the blissful occasion of Christmas with the family into the mix and I begin to fear the changes that lie ahead. I was taken aback by the thought of what I’m actually going to accomplish this year and what it could mean for this very moment of contentment and how upcoming changes will affect it. So as you would expect, laying on my arse, on a Sunday afternoon, deemed to be a great escape from my work– I felt compelled not to write anything due to the fear of where it’s all going to lead.

So why do we fear the changes that bring us closer to the things we want? Why, when we work so hard accomplishing tasks towards our goals, do we feel frightened by the prospect of actually one day achieving them? Change is so rarely welcomed in our lives yet every day many of us crave it. The dilemma we face is that when life’s good, calm and settled we hesitate to move forward, we begin thinking to ourselves “things are good, why mess with it?” We sometimes feel guilt or we fear that we’ll encounter loss, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I can’t doubt that my life is good right now, in fact it’s great! Yet I have to accept that change will occur as I move closer to my dream and I think my being lazy and doing nothing was my way of holding onto a moment of contentment for a little bit longer.

Today I saw the above image for what it truly represented. I knew that I wouldn’t have reached the great moment of being able to experience this natural wonder, if it weren’t for all the previous changes in my life. That experience taught me that I couldn’t just sit at the edge of the Grand Canyon, soaking in that moment for the rest of my life. No matter how great it felt, I still had to get up and move on.

When we hit these great moments in our lives, there’s a lot of internal celebration. We get overcome by success; we feel the journey ahead can be placed on hold, so we nestle into the comfort of one accomplishment. We run the risk of slowing down the pace until it almost comes to a complete halt. We deny change, until each grateful moment is just an unfulfilled recurring pattern. Resentment, sadness, regret, complacency, doubt, stress, boredom and anger are just some of the words that many people soon use to describe their lives when change and opportunity is denied.

Life is full of exciting and remarkable moments and yes we should take our time to enjoy them, but we shouldn't fear losing them as an excuse not work on building our dreams. Each new venture we embark on feels like leaving home for the first time, we’re leaning away from all that’s familiar and comfortable, therefore making it easier to deny change. However, when we arrive at moments in our lives, where we feel most content, it should be an indicator that life is not just one long journey we take to get to this one moment, but it’s rather made up by loads of individual trips so we can experience great times over and over again, in more ways than one.

Live Your Dream: Invest Your Time Wisely

make-a-splash.jpg

Make a Splash! Remember when we were kids and we used to aimlessly jump into puddles, I remember I used to go out my way to find these shallow patches of water to make the biggest splash that I could. I’d get so carried away until I had completely drenched my socks misjudging the depth, but I didn’t care. I remember it being so thrilling because I was doing what I wanted to do, regardless of being told otherwise and each time it felt like some sort of accomplishment. Recently this random thought had stuck with me for a while and I noticed how differently many of us live our lives today. How many of us can honestly say we seek that thrill and want to make that impact? Don’t get me wrong I understand that we have responsibilities now and commitments that we never had before, but surely there’s still enough time to jump into a puddle now and then; investing time into shaping the life we want to lead will positively impact on our lives.

Do we invest enough time towards building the life we want to live and the way we want to live it? We continue to follow the same routine daily only to realize how much time we could have spent investing into our true goals. Things had recently settled down for me and I began to feel incredibly uncomfortable; surely working everyday and paying bills on time every month isn't what people have evolved to. I know there is so much more I want from life because there's so much more that life has to offer. I’m at a point now where I've met a lot of goals and now I’m ready to aim higher. I’m ready to jump into even bigger puddles.

I find it absolutely frustrating when I come across people who are willing to invest more time deciding on what type of partner they want before carving out an identity of their own. I find it disheartening when I see parents spend more time in a furniture store deciding on which coffee table to purchase rather than nurturing the minds of their offspring. I also find it bizarre how people can tell me more about other individuals, but can hardly piece two sentences together about themselves. At what point did this change, we start lives off so care-free and so individual to only have our identities consumed by the routines we follow. Somehow we decide to be a little more careful and take fewer risks; we find more time for the most insignificant decisions over investing time in shaping our own lives because we’re either afraid of failure or just learn that we simply can’t.

I turn to the people I admire today and am in awe of what they have achieved because it all started with a risk. Looking into a bold move and diving into a new challenge, they never allow themselves to become complacent and always aim higher. Never feeling they've hit their peak and investing their time wisely by seeking opportunity and focusing on goals by drowning out the pollution around them. My sister is probably one of the strongest willed people I know; a description of hell would probably sound like a vacation compared to the ups and downs she has faced in life, but nothing has stopped her from aiming higher to prove to herself, not to anybody else, that she can create a life that she is truly satisfied with.

Had a random conversation about the universe today and the topic lead to how minute our lives are in comparison to time and space, I thought to myself, f*** that! That notion doesn't work for me, I may be only one out of about 7 billion people on this planet but I’m going to make pretty damn sure that this “one” makes an impact on himself and actually lives. There’s already too many irritated souls filling this planet with doubt and negativity not realizing that the benefits of today came from the ones who made a big splash yesterday.  I’m not saying I want my name to go down in the history books and I don't adopt this mind-set purely for others to know who I am and what I’m about. I simply know what I can achieve for myself. Prove to myself that this life is worth more than a routine. Life shouldn't be wasted walking around puddles taking the safer route, just jump right in and make that splash!

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Why Insecurities Develop When Used To Mask Doubts in Relationships

Image When a discussion topic turns to relationships, the term insecurities get thrown into conversations all the time. Many people I've spoken to tend to say that their insecurities are affecting their relationships. However during the course of discussion, the case is that people will use the term as an excuse to simply mask and avoid doubts and concerns - ultimately blaming themselves for an entire problem that they may never have caused. For example, if someone is concerned that they are not getting the attention they deserve from their partner, compared to at the beginning of the relationship; many people justify that as an outcome of one’s insecurities getting in the way, rather than investigating where the doubt stems from first. Unfortunately when left unresolved, these doubts begin to develop into actual insecurities that carry over into other relationships.

First of all, here’s what I know about feeling insecure: People rarely reveal their insecurities, if someone is truly insecure about something; they do everything to avoid highlighting it. Feelings of insecurity are internal, insecurities will affect one’s own behavior, personality and self-confidence and it’s a huge self-esteem knocker. Feeling insecure is psychological and often stems from trauma and not from unfortunate situations.

In relationships when things begin to go south we always try to find a way to reason them. We want to understand why a certain situation is occurring. However, what I have found from many people is that they use their insecurities as a reason, almost like a defense mechanism, to avoid understanding the actual root of their genuine feelings. Also, people don’t like to feel their making the same mistake twice, so when they feel that something iffy is recurring, they confuse their emotions and reason with insecurity. It’s easier to admit fault with our insecurities as they are difficult to overcome, than to face up and deal with a relationship that could be on the rocks or even failing. It’s taking the easy way out.

To define those points which trigger feelings of insecurity is to look at the doubts you have, which in most cases means to track changes in behavior, either of your own or your partners. If you’re still the same person in the relationship as you were when you began it, then most likely it’s not insecurities that are making you feel uneasy, listen to your instinct instead. If you had insecurities in your past which you felt were resolved but now feel have been triggered, then you need to define the moment things changed and resolve it, before you begin blaming yourself. If you feel you've never had insecurities in the beginning and now they've developed, then you need to define the moment they began; In many circumstances you will notice that it’s caused from a change of behavior in the other person within the relationship. When we can pinpoint changes, we can then begin to unveil the true reason.

Consider doubts your warning signs, your mind and body will try to tell you if you’re beginning to feel symptoms of insecurity. If you notice yourself becoming more introverted, avoiding discussion and shunning away from the topic of relationships – these are signs of feeling insecure in your relationship, which then can be identified as causing the problems. If you’re openly talking about your relationship and trying to engage in discussion to resolve issues - these are your doubts. Feeling truly insecure in a relationship is very damaging, you open yourself to be controlled, manipulated and your identity can slowly get consumed. Justifying doubts as insecurities can lead feeling like every relationship you enter will ultimately fail because of your “insecurities” and you end up jumping over hurdles and compromises that can cause emotional harm.

Here’s some advice, if your partner isn't helping you feel more secure and comfortable, then clearly the relationship lacks a lot of the basics that make being in a relationship worthwhile. People forget the purpose of having another person in our lives - we need to feel empowered and encouraged by the people we keep close to us, to be surrounded with positivity and comfort and to offer this in return. Either way, you need to feel secure.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

Avoid Becoming the Bad Apple - Break the Cycle That Breeds Irritated Souls

It still irritates me to see how many people are afraid to say or admit what it is they want or wanted out of life. They bury their dreams and continue on with life with the mentality that “it wasn’t meant to be” or that “it will never happen” and they will share this view with anyone else that has the balls to actually go for it.  The ones that adopt the same mentality will carry on this cycle and continue to fill the world with irritated souls with lost dreams. Adopting this attitude will only distance yourself from the life you’ve always dreamed of.

Despite what others have said, I had managed to push on and continued to pursue my goals and passions because I was never afraid to say what I would accomplish. Being able to say what it is I wanted got me to where I am today and to the distances I will go tomorrow. I remember my year 11 science teacher saying to me that I wouldn’t make it to sixth form let alone obtain a degree. I remember my friends laughing at me when they said I wouldn’t make it out of my hometown when I said I will be living abroad one day. I remember relatives saying my goals were too ambitious and that I needed to ground myself and live in the real world.

Now if I had listened to them I would have probably stopped believing in myself and end up as another irritated soul waiting for something to happen and trying to make ends meet in the ‘real world’. I may have just waited for someone to save me from an irritated life to just sit and wait until I venture onto the right path. Well that’s what I saw of the ‘real world’ and the people in it, what people said I shrugged off as hearsay, what right did they have to determine my life for me? I couldn’t understand their advice so I couldn’t adopt it. There’s this bizarre mistake that the majority of people make, they try to fit their lives into an idea of what success is and what success looks like because no one ever told them that we determine our own success. Not many people had the guts to say to me “that will definitely work” or “Terry, you will get what you want” for any support that I did receive there was always a slight hesitation with a concerned undertone and you’ve probably heard these words before, they go along the lines of “good luck” and “I wish you all the best”.

Whenever you dream and share that dream with others, voices of negativity will always tell you not to pursue it. Discourage you from believing and placing doubt on your passion. I had so much of that growing up; even to this day many people still cast this negative shadow, despite my successes. I have come to terms with what others do not understand and I have come to terms with why others have such opinions. However I will refuse to come to terms with closing the door to my ambition and turning my back on my dreams, to reiterate, they got me this far and they’ll carry me further and I urge you to follow your dreams and encourage others too. Break the cycle that breeds irritated souls and aim to live in a more fulfilled world.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach