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Why Insecurities Develop When Used To Mask Doubts in Relationships

Image When a discussion topic turns to relationships, the term insecurities get thrown into conversations all the time. Many people I've spoken to tend to say that their insecurities are affecting their relationships. However during the course of discussion, the case is that people will use the term as an excuse to simply mask and avoid doubts and concerns - ultimately blaming themselves for an entire problem that they may never have caused. For example, if someone is concerned that they are not getting the attention they deserve from their partner, compared to at the beginning of the relationship; many people justify that as an outcome of one’s insecurities getting in the way, rather than investigating where the doubt stems from first. Unfortunately when left unresolved, these doubts begin to develop into actual insecurities that carry over into other relationships.

First of all, here’s what I know about feeling insecure: People rarely reveal their insecurities, if someone is truly insecure about something; they do everything to avoid highlighting it. Feelings of insecurity are internal, insecurities will affect one’s own behavior, personality and self-confidence and it’s a huge self-esteem knocker. Feeling insecure is psychological and often stems from trauma and not from unfortunate situations.

In relationships when things begin to go south we always try to find a way to reason them. We want to understand why a certain situation is occurring. However, what I have found from many people is that they use their insecurities as a reason, almost like a defense mechanism, to avoid understanding the actual root of their genuine feelings. Also, people don’t like to feel their making the same mistake twice, so when they feel that something iffy is recurring, they confuse their emotions and reason with insecurity. It’s easier to admit fault with our insecurities as they are difficult to overcome, than to face up and deal with a relationship that could be on the rocks or even failing. It’s taking the easy way out.

To define those points which trigger feelings of insecurity is to look at the doubts you have, which in most cases means to track changes in behavior, either of your own or your partners. If you’re still the same person in the relationship as you were when you began it, then most likely it’s not insecurities that are making you feel uneasy, listen to your instinct instead. If you had insecurities in your past which you felt were resolved but now feel have been triggered, then you need to define the moment things changed and resolve it, before you begin blaming yourself. If you feel you've never had insecurities in the beginning and now they've developed, then you need to define the moment they began; In many circumstances you will notice that it’s caused from a change of behavior in the other person within the relationship. When we can pinpoint changes, we can then begin to unveil the true reason.

Consider doubts your warning signs, your mind and body will try to tell you if you’re beginning to feel symptoms of insecurity. If you notice yourself becoming more introverted, avoiding discussion and shunning away from the topic of relationships – these are signs of feeling insecure in your relationship, which then can be identified as causing the problems. If you’re openly talking about your relationship and trying to engage in discussion to resolve issues - these are your doubts. Feeling truly insecure in a relationship is very damaging, you open yourself to be controlled, manipulated and your identity can slowly get consumed. Justifying doubts as insecurities can lead feeling like every relationship you enter will ultimately fail because of your “insecurities” and you end up jumping over hurdles and compromises that can cause emotional harm.

Here’s some advice, if your partner isn't helping you feel more secure and comfortable, then clearly the relationship lacks a lot of the basics that make being in a relationship worthwhile. People forget the purpose of having another person in our lives - we need to feel empowered and encouraged by the people we keep close to us, to be surrounded with positivity and comfort and to offer this in return. Either way, you need to feel secure.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

A Simple Way to Stimulate Creativity and Inspiration

We sometimes struggle when developing new ideas and in that struggle we feel faulted by our own creativity. Pressure and stress begin to fill our minds because we feel we cannot successfully deploy or complete a project and soon enough, a looming deadline is all we seem to focus on. Whatever creative thought we had, is being blocked by a wall of doubt and uncertainty. The first mistake we often make is forcing creativity, we feel so pressured by getting something done that the end result turns out to be poor and of a lower standard to what we’re actually capable of. In the end, we’re left with the satisfaction of a completed project rather than the fulfillment of an accomplished one.

An 'original break' is something I started doing when I lacked focus, when I feel I have lost my muse and procrastination becomes a meaningful pastime. Generally if whatever project I’m working on isn’t flowing naturally and my train of thought is only just chugging along, then that’s my indicator to do something to get back on track.

An original break is about fueling the mind and trailing into fresh thought. An original break is not going out to grab a coffee and some fresh air. It’s first stepping away from what you’re working on and closing the entire project down and leaving it alone for some time. Just like your mind needs a break from the project, the project needs a break from your tired mind and poor input. Like the engine performance of a car running on standard gas versus premium fuel.

Your original break could be heading out to lunch in a different restaurant to break routine, like how you were when you first tried sushi.  It’s talking to a complete stranger to adopt a different point of view or even talking to people who disagree with your ideas. It’s going for a drive to that part of town you’ve always heard about but never visited; exploring new environments is always a good way to stimulate creativity. It’s reading a type of book that you wouldn’t normally read. It’s simply taking the time to discover something new, placing new thoughts and ideas into your mind to stimulate creativity when returning to an existing project.

It seems a little strange at first, but this simple formula helps break down walls that block creative thought. These small adjustments in your breaks could result in a wonder of opportunities for your work. You may not necessarily be inspired by anything you experience but you will leave with new thought(s).

Naturally we’re curious creatures and unlike robots we have a natural desire to learn and explore its how we've managed to advance as a species. Remember creativity and inspiration aren't timed to surge between the hours of 9 and 5 but if your need it then you have to find ways to stimulate it.

Vancouver Relationship and Life Coach

How to Set and Achieve Goals Using Simple Scavenger Hunt Rules

If you were ever involved in a scavenger hunt as a child, keep it in mind as you read on. For those who don’t know, you have a list of items to gather and the one who wins is the first person to complete the list. I’ve achieved many goals by following the rules of this game. It’s very simple, first have the goal in mind, then compile a list of things you need to accomplish to achieve it. And just like a scavenger hunt, attaining each item on that list will require further strategy and tactic, which you will naturally identify.

Small goals, achieving big goals: this technique worked because it allowed me to break up my larger goal into manageable steps, if one of these steps was proving too difficult to attain, I could break it down even further (this is where strategy and tactic came in).

The benefit of evaluation: think about at the end of the hunt, when everyone’s discussing how they won or learning the reason as to why they lost. This simple, yet effective technique has now become a fantastic tool for evaluation. Whether you succeed or fail, you will find yourself reflecting on the actions you took and/or the errors you made which may have affected the result. It will also become a learning tool; you’re identifying your own strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats; you’re building your very own SWOT Analysis.

Setting Goals: whenever you play out that dream life of yours in your mind, get a piece of paper and write/illustrate that dream at the top of the page. At the bottom of the page, write/illustrate the life you’re currently living. Now you need to make your way to the top, fill the blank space with steps you need to take, to get that life you want, when you’re done - the game has begun.

VanCity